How easily we forget
A stalk of rose on a given day.
The symbol of love, of desire and devotion,
slowly withers
and fades away.

We forget the hand that gave it to us.
The subtle change in the air around.
The nervous glance,
the shaky fingers
the change of hands,
To the unspoken sounds.

A rose is not a rose
But a symbol.
It stands alone in its holy vase.
In time, its darkness signals.
A hidden shadow
Amidst a simple shroud.

How easily we forget
the thorns that come with the roses.
The sting of pain
and the sudden blood.
For every rose bears a witness,
the unassuming criminal

who'll be guilty, alas.

As different as can be
You with your wild eyes
Chasing dreams into reality 
So sure, so steady
Forever chasing stars in the skies.

As different as can be
You with your confident gait.
Your steps never falter.
So calm, so fluid,
Immune to my tempestuous bait.

As different as can be,
You with your smile full of mischief
You're my best friend,
my lover, my shelter,
You're my heart in sun and rain.

 Today, my mum went off for a two-day, one-night trip to Batam with our neighbour and her daughters. I chose not to follow, thinking of the amount of school work that I would need to do. Needless to say, not much school work was done. Instead, I have been obsessed with Smallville. Don't ask me why. I think the more stressed I get, the more irrational I become and thus, all the strange cravings and obsessions appear when they were never in existence before.

Still, that is not the point of my entry today. I decided to meet Fahmy for dinner in the evening. He has been volunteering for APEC the past few nights and welcoming delegates at the airport. With my mother not being at home, I decided to go out a bit later, doing my Isyak prayer first before finally leaving home. I did a small mental jiggle at the freedom and felt slightly thrilled as I walked to the bus stop. Really, it is not that I like not having my mum at home. The fact is that she is ALWAYS at home for the past twenty-one years that makes this, a novel experience. Here I am in Singapore, leaving my house at a rather 'late' hour and not really too worried about the time that I would be reaching home. Such mental freedom only happens when I am traveling and I am my own person. 

Now, my mum has never been the type to forbid me or control my actions. I pretty much have free reign of what I wish to do and our relationship has always been based on mutual trust. Thus, as much as I was excited with my 'new-found' freedom, I still made it home just slightly after midnight, not daring to push my luck too much. Old habits die hard I suppose and as much as I might have wild ideas, I realise that some wars are not meant to be fought. I treasure my independence very much and yearn for it. Yet, being a girl, my mum is always sceptical about giving me too much thus, I have grown to realise through the years that it is better to win her trust and challenge her subtly by proving to her that I am capable of making the right decisions. Some people might see me as a 'miss goody two shoes' because of this but as I have said earlier, my independence is very important to me. As long as I hate being told what to do and I like making my own decisions, I need to play my cards right.

In any case, walking by myself in the evening, without having a person at home that I would feel obligated to,  gave me a taste of the independence I wish to have. It felt good and it made me wonder of the things I would love to do if I were to live by myself. Here's a list that I tried to come up with as I took the bus:

1. Invite girl friends over for slumber parties
2. Stay out the whole night to study or just hang out
3. Catch a late night movie and then head for supper with friends
4. Paint my house an eclectic mix of red, green, blue and yellow
5. Do household chores (domesticated yes but i think they're a good sign that one is able to take care of one's self)

Yes, they sound so docile and well, NOT wild as one might expect. I have done some of these things, felt a taste of them as I traveled...like finding myself on a speedboat in the middle of the sea, in the middle of the night and just being awed by the wealth of stars surrounding me. Or walking around strange and unknown neighbourhoods, not quite knowing where I am headed to. Or finding myself struggling in the rapids.There is such beauty and satisfaction in doing these things when one is not in Singapore. Life however, does not have to be 24 hour rock-and-roll and the independence I wish in Singapore is of a simpler kind - The independence to just be one's self and to know one's self.

Est-ce que tu comprends?

 While reading The Nanyang Chronicle today, I noticed an article that covered on the Islamic Awareness Week (Lessons in Islam by Ng Yee Theng) which happened two weeks ago. In it, a fellow NTU student that was interviewed expressed that the exhibition had not introduced anything new to him because, I quote, "Most of us Singaporeans have Muslim friends and already know a lot about their culture from them."

On the bright side, it's good that Muslims are sharing with their non-Muslim friends about Islam. However, I could not help but feel slightly stung by the words. Even as I poured through the research done by the fellow exhibition members, edited the work and sent it for vetting, there were so many new things that I learnt about Muhammad PBUH that I had not known previously. How then can this student say that there was nothing new to him? 

My first thought was that he either did not look closely at the readings or perhaps the exhibition had failed in clarifying its true intent. As much as understanding the Islamic culture is important, I think what's even more important is the lesson and message behind every aspect of that culture. And this is where, perhaps, the exhibition team had failed to make people understand.

I should not take criticisms so personally but the exhibition had been a project very close to my heart. Perhaps in my pride over the work and achievement  of the team, I had forgotten that the message was for Non-Muslims ultimately. Still, as Brother Amran said during the befrienders' training workshop, in order to do da'wah, we must constantly upgrade our own knowledge. Now, this is a constant work in progress.

Ultimately, how successful was the exhibition, only Allah swt will know. I should not let arrogance goad me to foolish pride.

 I came across this great video and I thought it would be nice to share. :) Enjoy!




"It is He Who sends down rain from the sky: from it ye drink, and out of it (grows) the vegetation on which ye feed your cattle. (10) With it He produces for you corn, olives, date-palms, grapes, and every kind of fruit: verily in this is a Sign for those who give thought. (11) He has made subject to you the Night and the Day; the Sun and the Moon; and the Stars are in subjection by His Command: verily in this are Signs for men who are wise. (12)"

- (Surah An-nahl: 10-12)

 

 My LJ is slowly sinking into a stalemate, if it is not already in one. Even though I am an English major, it is still hard to find the words to aptly capture a moment or an experience. Thus, I find myself resorting a lot to pictures and videos. And here is where I shall add another...

Islamic Awareness Week's Exhibition Team, with Liyana Low missing from the picture. Alhamdulillah, our efforts paid off and we generally received positive feedback from our visitors and fellow committee members. It is by far, the most fulfilling experience I have had in university. Not to discredit the other ad-hocs that I have worked with in the past 3 years. There is just something very enriching in being faced with a challenge and also, an opportunity for us to share with others about Islam while learning even more about it. Masya'Allah...I am thankful beyond measure for this experience.

As ironic as it might sound, it is experiences like this that reminds me again and again to be thankful for being in NTU. From giving up hope of making it to university after my dismal A-level results to receiving that very last minute call down for an interview and  to attending that particular NTUMS FOC, the three years in NTU have made me a different person and I do not complain. Learning about English Literature and also, learning about Islam through the various experiences, I know that I am where I need to be. 

On a different note, it was Fahmy's 25th birthday last monday and Alhamdulillah, everything went great. Thank you to the Spectrans who helped make it special! :) It had been a pretty stressful week for us last week and needless to say, I get unreasonable at times like these. I forget again and again how well he knows me. As different as we are, it is perhaps these differences that make our relationship work so well. Am I thankful for him? Of course I am. 

Happy Birthday, dear! And thank you, for always being patient with me. 

Here's to one of the best Syawal I have had so far...

( Berlalulah Sudah Ramadhan... ) ( Berlalulah Sudah Ramadhan... )

I don't think that I am always the best kinda friend around. I am lousy at keeping up with birthdays. I am bad at staying in touch. I might not be there for people as much as I would like to be. Nevertheless, I am thankful for all the friends that I have made along the way in these past few years. While the memories shared may have been from a distant past or our encounter, a passing phase in our lives, the friendships forged are still cherished and I am glad that we all took the time to meet up this month just to celebrate Eid. 

Eid Mubarak everyone and I sincerely apologise for all my shortcomings as a  classmate, a friend or as a person. May we all have another Ramadhan to look forward to and another Syawal to celebrate together. 

Amin.

 I met a nice family today.

And it made me both happy and sad.Happy that such families do exist, where there are good people who genuinely love without bullying or threatening. Who spread warmth and truly make a house a home. Parents whom one can speak to freely and respect. Parents who are wise and loving. And siblings who belong there as much as you do.

One of the worst things to see is really a heartbroken wife and mother. What can  you say to comfort her? Her appetite is ruined and you see her staring into the distance one moment while ranting angrily at another. And when she thinks you don't hear, she cries. 

There's nothing you can do because you realise that a child can never be a husband. You realise that you have been an observer all these years. Not a child who easily slips into an easy, affectionate banter with his or her mother. An observer. Someone who simply watches and gradually, forgets how to reach out and be part of it. 

You look back through your past years growing up and try to remember the good times. Surely there must have been some right? There was always something or someone missing. 

It's too late now, though. You are not sure when things began to go awry and when you forgot to communicate. This is how things are. 

Just as the wife cries secretly, you too feel the loneliness of the house. How wide the spaces are and how silent it can be.

This is the house you return to everyday.

Loneliness and aloneness. How do you put it to words?

While I have had my reservations about another film adaptation of one of my favourite books of all time (yes, Philip Pullman's Northern Lights is A LOT better than what the film is), I cannot help but be absolutely ecstatic that this film is coming to theatres soon! 

Nevertheless, once bitten, twice shy...Just remind me later to go with no high expectations and watch the film as if it's a new story unfolding in my mind.