2009, for me, was very satisfying. All things considered, even my barely B semester results and my love-hate relationship with New Media and the fact that I started the year on a confused note.

Now I just feel very settled down and contented. I have become comfortable in NUS (very much so), I have grasped my singlehood in its entirety (though..haha) and I really buried the hatchet with Naz (or so I'd like to think arh haha).

I'd like to keep this short, though I feel the need for some introspection here. My resolution for 2010? Haha. Don't ask, you'll be freaked.

Because it's 2010 already.


( Primeval, 2.03 )

god damn.

2009 has been the craziest year ever in my life.

I remember how all of last year I kept on wishing for something exciting to happen.

God damn.

It was like the floodgates for 'Exciting' decided to break open into my life this year.

(ok, not the best description, but it works.)

Honestly, one hell of a rollercoaster.

Meeting you.
Family went insane.
Accidents.
Hospital visitations.
Relationship issues.
Losing friends and colleagues.
Making new ones.

I have never cried so much in one year.

Nor laughed so much and had such fond memories in that same year either.

For 2010, I'm going to ask for exciting things to happen yet again.

But to also find balance and healthy, happy experiences in my life.

Between myself, work, family, love, and Life.

2010, here I come!

the moral grey area

i am happy.

i haven't felt this good about myself in a while.

pretty happy about most of the things that are happening.

i'm still strong.

my grades were pretty good.

i just feel... like things around me are kinda like you sitting by a lake on a windy day with a picnic mat and everything that is pleasant around you. and you feel for a while that you're glad that you're alive.

when i took your hand and showed you the paintings on my wall and my new tea light lantern so that you could see the stars that have entered my room i was hoping that youd feel happy in my child-like place, i know you will, on some nights, tell mama that you;re proud of me for moving my muscles to clean up the room, for getting the big bags of rubbish and taking them down myself, that i am you favourite, without hurting her, without hurting anybody but yourself, because thinking about us makes you think of your past days which have been darker than the nights themselves. i cant tell you how good it feels to know that you still check on me in the morning--(your fatherly excursions, i have come to name it) but still there are so many things i would like you to see-even stuffs that i have boxed up, those that have been tangibly dull and dusty, those that reminded me of people i used to know, perhaps the both of us could sit on my new clean sheets and look through those things maybe you could share one of those life lessons that will teach me to be more independent? like "Who needs best friends, you are your own future!", i'm sorry that ive been crap at school for the past semester, im sorry that i told you id rather be spending my time at the hospital with you than turning up for morning classes and doing readings and getting As for essays, i'll be better for us, and believe in bigger things, better grades, because i love you so much and im mad as hell with Whatever that is taking you away from us, but sometimes being away is just a law of life isnt it? and i love you so no matter how far you go i will run and catch you back thousands of times, because i love you, have i said that already?

DON'T FORGET TO COME HOME AFTER FROLICKING IN THE SNOW AH<3

there was so much anger, so much hate after it ended that now, i honestly can't remember why i stopped talking to naz. i can't remember whether it was to stagnate, or because i hated her guts. no no me talking about this is not about bringing up past demons.

the night found me talking to her again, and with it, raised the above sentiment.

yes the reason why it took so long to start talking even after everything has settled was because i didnt bother. or rather i couldnt be bothered. like macam you see someone you knew once upon a time at simpang and you give a cursory wave and move right along. let's just say that some htht with your bros put you into perspective arh.

im really sorry i took so long to be civil.

attach // detach // attach // detach // we're on a swing!

Because I'm waiting for my mom to go to bed before I break out the ice-cream for a midnight snack. :P

Because I'm a fangirl on holiday.



( Primeval, 2.01 )

I'm not a pious prick. My devotion to my religion is questionable and honestly, my adoption of the hijab as part of my daily attire is an effort to constantly remind myself that I'm a muslimah & I should act the part, something that I haven't quite practice fully 20 years of  my life without this constant reminder.

I'm not very particular when it comes to food. Halal to me is as long as it doesn't contain alcohol and pork and it's done the Islam way, I'm usually good. I'm especially lenient when it comes to desert. When I was first introduced to b&j a few years back, a friend told me that it contains chocolate liquor, so i did a little research to find that liquor in this context just means liquid form of chocolate so I was happy and been a fan since. See, i'm that kind.

But that said, it doesn't mean that I can sit in a restaurant ordering seafood, watching someone across the table eating pork chop when I can still use the power of persuasion so that at least we can all go to a halal place. Isn't that what Im supposed to do so that everyone can get what they want? You know, like giving suggestions. But, being a fellow muslim as well, all you could do was do the counter arguments against ME , leaving the non-muslims fending for me instead. So, should I apologize because Halal places are usually too pricey, too low class  or maybe, unsavory? I know I should apologize that I'm a regular patron of such places.

I'm truly ashamed of you.

On a side note, SG is really catching up, there are a number of halal food places which are really awesome. Asyrul & I are planning on attacking these places bit by bit as guided by hungrygowhere.com. Although I really wish I'm living in m'sia where halal food are abundant.

So anyway, I need my poultry to be slaughtered the right way, thank you. Oh, and i really don't joke when it comes to food, so I don't think your halal jokes are funny. No, really, there're not funny.

So since, it's such a difficult thing to compromise my way, I shall do what I do best which is -- make myself scarce. It's better than sitting there listening to how a 'halal' ( it's not even funny) i am.

Yesterday when I awoke I saw a glitter of fairy dust right above me, hovering, hovering seductively for me to just stick out my bed-wrinkled hands and grab. To just, grab. I sat up on my bed. Of course I tried to grab it. Like swatting flies I tried to grab it.

I would have had better luck swatting for flies.

During that vague moment between consciousness and unconsciousness you don't know whether you're actually staring at fairy dust or you're just dreaming. You do, however, still consciously think and react in such manners. You grab. As in, literally reach out and grab, even though the fairy dust you're staring at is all but in your head.

This is where I'm at. I'm at the in between. I grab. And it might just all be in my head. It's okay, because if it is then eventually I'll wake up with groggy realization anyway. And I'll probably just move right along.

I did it again. 
I thought it would be at least therapeutical, but no. 
I felt more empty than before. 
I should really stop. Before it destroys me from within. 
I shud seek help. I really shud.

all i have to do now is get my degree get rich and get a car.

an mx5 or a mini cooper s would be alright.

the end of the week -- i am emotionally physically mentally exhausted
Death comes in a package, along with demands i never thought i would be capable of.

and every time i prostrate, i am reminded.

I refuse to blame myself for the mess created 20 years of my life. It wasn't my fault. I DIDN'T RAISE MYSELF UP now, did i? There are so many conditions that shape me for who I am today. The partial good side of me, and the bad side are consequences of your upbringing. Culture shapes you, haven't you heard?

You cannot blame me for having two 'mothers' just because you didn't want to take full care of me when I was younger. You went out working. It's natural to bond with people when you see them 24/7 you know? I never blamed you, because what you did, you gave me people to love, people who love me in return.   

But what I blame you for is the fact that you accuse me, time and time again that I take sides. I remember crying to sleep one night, brooding over your random question of who would I choose, you or her? I was eight. Alone, and scared of the possibilities of a wrong choice. As I grew up, I realized that I don't have to choose. I can have both, but no, you don't accept that possibility, do you? If anyone is to blame for my obstinateness, that'd be you. Trust me, I got it directly from you. I'm scared of the possibility of growing up to be exactly like you.

Don't you ever think that whatever I say to you might be objective? Like something that would actually solve the matter? Yes, I don't deny the fact that she's like my financial aid (hell, she's OUR financial aid) but at least she understands when she bad-mouthed you and I take a stand, & tells her the positivity of the situation, she never accuses me of taking sides. She knew that I was being objective & that's what I do. I don't take sides, I mediate. But no, you don't see that, do you? You live in this tight, narrow alley where only your arguments are infallible, others are merely bullshit. You cannot take suggestions, can you?

Have you ever thought of the world I'd live in if she's not there? This laptop I'm typing on would have been the school's property or perhaps my phone, oh wait, would I even have a phone? Let's see what else. Because of her, I just had to work hard enough. You can blame her for making me materialistic but don't blame her for motivating me to study. Study I did, didn't I?  

But, nevertheless, love cannot be bought with money, have you ever thought about that? But why blame me, when you can blame yourself? You blame me for generation gap, you blame me for not talking to you. You tell the whole world that our relationship is full of flaws, but have you ever thought that maybe, maybe I tried to make it better, it's just you and your obstinateness refuse to accept it? You know, one day, all the financial aid I received my entire life, I'll have to repay back somehow. She gives me money because she loves me, & never because in time of crisis, she wants me to take her sides. You know how I know this? I can read people, no matter how meager. I can read you, and I don't like what I read sometimes. But I swallow them in, because I thought that maybe if I ignore certain things, they'd go away like nightmares. But no, it's not like split ends where you can just cut them off.  

One more thing, I flared up in arguments (which I try as much to shut myself up to prevent any lengthy ones occurring, if you notice, but you didn't, did you?) because you refuse to listen to me, no matter how gentle I control my voice to be.

Because mother, if you actually listen to what I say, I never meant harm. All I want to do is make everything better. If only you take one minute to listen and never try to argue. I hate answering back to you because I know it's rude & it makes you unhappy. I hate to make you unhappy. But all I wanted you to do was listen and take time to think of what I have to say, for once.

You know mother, I believe that everyone shows love in myriad of forms. I'm the physical type. I like hugs. What's yours, mother?

My 'This Is Anfield' poster tore.

:(

I kinda prefer Season 3 of Primeval to Season 2. The eyecandy of Stephen has been replaced by Captain Becker, who is rather yummy himself and has the additional advantage of not banging Helen. Nick is no longer around being all depressed, first over Helen and then over Claudia. There's no more Caroline to make me want to vomit every time she appears on screen or touches Connor. Even Lester is better this season 'round, more sarcastic. I actually find myself liking the guy now!

And then there are the new cast additions. Becker, like I said, who is really a mix of Stephen's eyecandy/hunter prowess and Ryan's no-bullshit action man awesomeness. Sarah, whom I really like for being a genius like Connor and yet, still girly. She also reacts in ways that I think is pretty believable; runs and screams when there is trouble, hides when there are giant predators about. and clings to Connor when she's scared. :P I definitely would be clinging to Connor if I'm scared. I also wish that Abby would cling to Connor more when she's scared. Lastly, there's Danny, whom I didn't expect to like much, but is really growing on me.He's very McGuyver-ish, isn't he? Always with the props and plans. And he brings in the funny too!

So, S3 is turning out better than I thought. :P

But oh! Random fact for the day!

Ben Mansfield, who plays Captain Becker apparently auditioned for the role of Arthur in Merlin, and made it all the way to the final two guys. Which means that it was apparently down to both him and Bradley James! And Bradley won! *waves  Bradley James pom poms* XD

Can you imagine him as Arthur?